Comment I may look like i'm smiling, but if you make one more vegan joke, i'm going to stab you with this fork. Image via iStock.

Published on December 11th, 2015 | by Zoe Simmons

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16 stupid things vegans everywhere are tired of hearing.

Please don’t be one of those people.

I’m vegan, and like many other vegans, I am asked incredibly stupid questions all the time. Last week, while at a friend’s wedding, a person came up to me and asked, “what do you even eat?” while  I was holding a massive plate of food. So, to clear it up for you, here’s a list of questions and answers.

You’re vegan? Why?

I love animals. I don’t want them to die. I don’t want them to suffer. I don’t think they should be mistreated or killed for a human to have a snack. I also care about the environment.

The meat and dairy industry is not sustainable. According to the United Nations, one billion people do not have enough food. This is expected to rise to three billion within the next 50 years—and animal consumption is a leading cause of this. How? It takes around 9034L of water to produce 0.5kg of meat, compared to 923L for the same amount of tofu. To produce 3.8L of milk, 2585L of water is needed. Furthermore, it takes 4kg of grain to produce 0.5kg of meat. This is because these animals are raised purely to be slaughtered—if the demand did not exist, neither would the strain on resources. These resources could then be used elsewhere and actually solve world hunger.

By converting to a vegan diet, you can save around 829,000L of water per year. Simply decreasing the amount of meat and dairy you consume is incredibly beneficial to the environment and your body. Please, be mindful.

What, do you think you’re better than me or something?

No. Vegans don’t think we’re better than any human or animal. Hence why we don’t eat either.

But if the animal is already dead, you may as well eat it, right?

Face palm.

If you think it’s wrong, that’s because it is. If you’re feeling defensive or guilty, ask yourself: why?

Where do you get your protein?

You do realise there’s protein in more than just meat, dairy and eggs, right? Like, in vegetables? Same thing with iron. Shitloads of veggies is more than enough to be incredibly healthy. There’s also tofu (but not all vegans like tofu!), grean beans, soy milk, chia seeds, spinach, almonds, as well as other meat and dairy alternatives.

I bet you’re iron deficient.

My iron levels are fine, thank you very much.

Image via Vegan Mainstream.

 

But bacon.

Pigs are cute! Why would you want to murder them? They are living things. They think. They feel pain. They have emotions. They have the will to live. Why should they lose their life so you can have a snack?

Why am I vegan? Isn’t it obvious?

Bacon.

Apparently, humans taste like bacon too. Are you going to eat them?

What do you even eat then?

Air. I eat air. And sunlight.  Because it’s not like 75% of the average omnivore eats fruits, veggies and grains in their diets anyway.

FYI, the answer is shitloads of vegetables, fruits, pastas, breads, wraps, lasagnes, soups, curries, desserts, chocolates, ice creams cookies . . . Sound familiar? We miss out on nothing. There’s delicious, cruelty-free and healthy alternatives to everything. OREOS ARE ALSO VEGAN!

Image via No Animal Ingredients.

You’re just one person, you can’t change the world.

Are you serious? How do you think any kind of change happens? We recognise that something is wrong. We change it. We explain it to other people, and they agree. As more and more people come to realise the environmental and health impacts, if they’re reasonable people, they will change—or at least be mindful and decrease the amount of meat and dairy they consume.

We’re supposed to eat meat.

No. We’re not. And it’s destroying the environment. And a whole heap of other health problems.

But plants are living things too, why do you eat them?

Do you tie your own shoe laces in the morning?

My food poops on your food.

You’d eat it too, then, moron. And no, no they don’t.

Vegans are always trying to shove their beliefs down my throat!

Yeah, because your beliefs are destroying the environment.

Do you guys ever shut up about veganism?

No.

How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

Damn straight, i’ll friggin’ tell you. I’ll tell you until the cows come home. Oh, wait. You ate them. Also, that’s a stupid joke.

Vegans are weak!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is (sometimes) vegan. He’s now a big advocate for not eating meat. This guy is also vegan:

Want to tell me again vegans are weak? Billy Simmonds is a vegan competition-winning body builder and martial arts instructer. Image via Unleashed.

Did you have to Google how to spell that last name?

Yes.

 

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About the Author

Zoe Simmons

Zoe is a third-year journalism student at the University of Wollongong with a passion for all things wacky and strange. Follow her on Twitter @ItBeginsWithZ, or on Instagram @SomethingBeginningWithZ.



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