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Published on May 12th, 2016 | by Jake Cupitt

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Please sir, just a little off the top

Fellas, we need to have a talk. There’s something growing in your boxers, and in society, that if left unchecked could result in some hurt feelings. Your bush, the willy wig, the lower lawn, your bird’s nest. Whatever you call it, it’s growing, and more than likely, your girlfriend thinks it shouldn’t.

Now I know that in today’s modern society, we’re all very busy and working hard to start careers and buy that nice suede burgundy smoking jacket you saw on your summer trip to Berlin. So it’s understandable if we don’t get enough time to take care of the little details (no pun intended). But make no mistake, when it comes to manscaping, the details are what matters.

Picture this scenario. After a great third date, the girl you’ve started seeing decides to take you back to her place. She’s funny and kind and laughs at most of your crap jokes, but she thinks you’re handsome and worth investing her time in, so she says tonight’s the night.

You get the taxi back to her place and pay the driver $10 dollars too much as if making a good impression matters at this point. Once she finishes fumbling for her keys and the door closes behind you, it’s on. Passions are high and expectations even higher, because you think, “how did this girl pick me?” Shoes go flying off, your belt whizzes around your waist, and you both collapse in a tangled mess of elbows and locked knees onto the couch.

Things develop further and before you know it, she’s staring at the brand new Bonds you bought for this very occasion. Suddenly, you think, “shit! I’ve let my downstairs get a bit wild, I hope she can’t see in the dark.”

And yes boys, she can’t see in the dark, but that doesn’t matter because she now has a nose full of your wiry wonders, it’s as if she’s shoved her face into a soft bristle broom and come up choking on dust. “Oh no,” you think, you’re paralysed with embarrassment as the train comes to a sharp halt, and now the serjeant at arms is no longer standing at attention, poor you.

You apologise, “I’m really sorry, I’ve just been busy at work and getting my assignments done, I haven’t had time to trim the hedges.” But she’s cool with it, she understands, people get busy. “That’s ok, don’t worry, we’ve all been there, lucky I came prepared.”

She pulls you over and suddenly the roles are reversed, “At least one person will finish with a bang” she says.

Mate! You dodged a bullet there! Consider this your first and final warning, because this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated. Get home, get out the clippers, and shape that shit. Don’t get rid of it completely, because she’ll think that’s scarier than before, just trim it up and keep it in line.

Pick a style, pick a shape, hell, pick your favourite country and go from there. Just don’t let it get so long it looks like Willy Nelson is sticking his head through your legs and singing, “I am a country, bearded man.”

We know you think you’re good at the odd impression or two, but Abraham Lincoln’s chin does not belong below the belt. If you have to do a famous chin impression behind the buckle, think Chris Evans.

Just like we try and squeeze a quick gym session into our busy days, take five minutes extra and keep on top of it. You’ll thank me later.

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About the Author

Jake Cupitt

Hi, My name is Jake and I write for the Tertangala at the University of Wollongong. I study Journalism and I have a minor in music. At my heart I'm a blues guitarist masquerading as a writer, I don't claim to be the best at anything, I'll happily leave that up to the professionals. I like to write about current events both international and domestic on many different topics such as music, politics and culture. I think that I model my writing style on two main people, Hunter. S. Thompson and Charles Bukowski. Two authors that have influenced me greatly. Bukowski would never use ten words if five would do the job, and Hunter was a slave to the truth in all its gritty glory. If you like what I have to say and dig the words I write then please let me know. I'm here to serve you



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