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Zayn Malik leaves One Direction; World Promptly Ends

Well, it’s happened, a member of One Direction has left the band. Sadly, it’s also the best looking one.

A little over a week ago, Zayn Malik dropped out of the band’s current tour of Asia due to stress — brought on by forgetting to record Storage Wars on his DVR. Or possibly that new cheating scandal. Tragically, the band released a statement overnight confirming that Malik has left the band for good. Malik says that he “just wants to be a normal 22 year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight”. The other four members (Blondie, Man Bun, and the other two) will continue as a 4-piece band and will still release their fifth album later this year.

Skivvy En Noir (Left to Right): Your Weird Uncle, ZAYN, Who is that???, The Third Jedward, and Harry (aka the one that would *probably* be accused of witchcraft were this the 1600s)

There has been an outpour of support for Malik, with the hashtag #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMailk, accompanied with many crying emojis. Similarly, the website we all hate being addicted to, Tumblr, has experienced several large-scale meltdowns. Currently, there is no word from the Pentagon on how President Obama is holding up. We can only pray to our Lord and Saviour, Simon Cowell, that we will get through this.

In all seriousness, many young teenagers and their mothers are mourning today. Our opinions of the manufactured boy band are completely irrelevant, but know that many people are genuinely upset. Be kind to the One Direction fans in your life. Even the slightly unhinged ones. Some fans are so young, that many of them haven’t had their unbridled enthusiasm for life stamped out by puberty or cynical jerks who believe loving something is bad. Let them feel these perfectly legitimate feelings for something they really love. If you feel the need to comment “Who Cares??” on an article about this news to prove you have ‘Higher Tastes’, don’t. Believe it or not, people thinking that you’re a One Direction fan isn’t the worse thing that can happen to you. No one is immune to feelings for pop culture icons. Remember The Red Wedding? I full on grieved for a week. I tried to buy a Victorian-Era mourning veil on Ebay.

I wish Zayn Malik all the best. Being a member of One Direction sounds rough. In 5 years they’ve released 5 albums and have toured the world extensively. They have squeezed a lifetime of work into the most precious years of their adolescence, probably to the behest of record company Big Wigs — who want to buy islands for their mistresses. I’m glad Zayn has quit on his own terms, rather than having a breakdown or worse. Not just because I’m a fan of his face (which was probably carved by both the Old Gods and the New), but because no one should have to go through that. Plus, being a “normal 22 year old” who will probably never have to work another day for the rest of his life sounds freaking awesome.

Either way, welcome to the Normal 22 Year Old Club, Zayn!